Last night I had a dream about you.
It had been all day and I hadn’t heard from you, it was unusual for us. I asked people what they thought, if I should be worried. No one was. I started to cry, and it got more hysteric. I knew something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. No one would listen, so I went to look for you. I didnt even know where to go I just drove around.
When I woke up I was breathing heavy, and for an instant I felt relief that it was a dream. Then I remembered, that you’re already dead. In the dream at least there was a possibility that you were still alive. I laid in that dark and quiet room and I had to remember everything that’s happened over the last few months. Remember your body on our bathroom floor and your blue, cold lips. Remember hearing the wails of your siblings, the mosquitos biting my back while I laid on the lawn in shock. Your grey casket being lowered down into a six foot hole while we huddled under umbrellas.
I finally remembered what the dream had come from. The night of your DUI where it got later and later. I didnt want to be overbearing, didnt want to demand to know where you were. But when you didnt answer I was fucking scared. I knew it was something bad. That night, I went out to look for you just like in the dream. Every time I saw a flashing light I was sure it was for your death. I drove around and around. When I saw that number call, I was terrified what they would say to me.
This is my life now.
Filling my time with family and nature and hobbies, our dog. I try to fill my time and to find meaning again. Try to pretend that all of this crap means something. But every empty moment gets filled with you. Those quiet moments where I’m alone I fill the thick fog of pain weighing on my chest and I can’t help but quietly cry. I know people are tired of hearing about it, its awkward for them. They don’t understand, they don’t know what to say, they aren’t emotionally available enough to give me the support I need. I get it. Its a lot. So I cry in the quiet, in the dark, in the shower, all of these moments where Im truly alone.